“It is going to be one month tomorrow,” Juan was talking to her
mother, Xielei, who did not turn back or acknowledge her daughter’s statement
in any way.
“Ma,” Juan continued, but this time her voice dropped, and she
hesitated before she spoke. She did not want her thoughts to make way out of
her head and form words. A word was more final and damning than a thought. She
whispered, “Will they have survived by
any chance?”
Xielei turned around, and in the
dimly lit hotel dorm, Juan could feel her mother’s tired eyes. Tired from
crying over her daughter’s uncertain fate.
“My love, keep faith. No harm will come to Shan. Now try to sleep,”
her mother consoled her.
“Ma,” Juan persisted, “What
will we do when they ask us to leave tomorrow. They have no more news, and they
will close this centre. What will I do after that?”
“Be strong, child. Tomorrow is a new day. You should keep hope.”
Xielei was more persistent in being hopeful, even though she knew hope was
diminishing by the day.
There was only silence in return,
but Xielei knew Juan had not slept. Not knowing what else to say, Xielei lay
beside her only daughter and held her arm.
Juan and Xielei were one of the
first to reach Hotel Lido on hearing the news of the missing flight. Juan’s
husband, Shan was on the doomed flight to Malaysia, where he had decided to try
his luck for a job.
Juan and Shan had known each
other since their childhood, and everyone who saw them, knew they were made for
each other. Shan’s cheerful and friendly nature could only be combined with
Juan’s shy and soft spoken personality. They had always known that they would
end up with each other, so they only made plans that included each other.
When it was time to choose a
college, both of them decided to stay in their small village and get educated,
than to move to the city and stay apart from each other.
After college, Juan worked as a
rental property agent while Shan picked different jobs. He worked as a
supervisor in a local convenience store. At first, the pay was just enough to
support him and his farming family. Gradually, the pay stopped, and Shan was
forced to shift to another job.
He took the post of an accountant
in a private firm soon after. Though he had no experience, Shan was smart and
he learned the tricks of the trade within no time.
His supervisor trusted him, and
gave him responsibilities beyond the nature of his duties. For a while,
everything seemed to go well. They could not have been happier when they
decided to get married the following spring.
But by December that year, things
started to go downhill. The firm that Shan was working with decided to close
down for lack of funds, and Shan was once again left to look for a stable
employment. He knocked on every door possible, but to no avail. The savings he
had kept aside for the wedding began to dwindle, and eventually he thought of
calling off the wedding till he could find a more suitable employment.
But it was the soft spoken Juan,
who offered strength to Shan. “Let us
marry. Whatever comes, we will face it together,” she had encouraged him. The
following February, just as the first flowers bloomed after the harsh winter,
Shan and Juan married.
It was a small wedding, with just
family and close friends. Even though there were so many unresolved things,
Shan promised one thing to himself – he would always keep Juan happy.
Soon after, on a friend’s advice,
Shan decided to go to Malaysia for a job. Juan hated to be away from Shan, but
she knew she had to let him go for a better future.
“I will come back in two months and if everything is alright, I will
take you back with me,” Juan remembered Shan’s last words as he parted. He
held her hands as he spoke, and when he let go, he pushed into her hands his
most treasured possession – a lock charm with a mudan flower on one side and a
lotus on the other. “Look Juan,” he
explained to her once, “the mudan
represents wealth and honor, and the lotus represents continuous happiness. So
this charm will always bring me wealth and happiness.”
“Nonsense,” Juan had laughed hard when he finished. She did not
believe in charms and the good luck they were thought to bring, but Shan prized
it and wore it around his neck.
Every night, since the news of
the fatal crash, Juan held the lock charm in her hands and replayed Shan’s last
words to her. It gave her new hope and she refused to lose faith when the
others did. She believed Shan would always find a way back to her.
But tomorrow, she might have to
shed even the last shard of faith too. It was now a month since the crash, and
there was still no trace of the aircraft. Rumours started to abound that the
airlines and the government would withdraw from the search because of the lack
of progress. For them, it would be another ‘accident’.
For Juan, it would be the end of
her life.
It was around early morning when
Juan finally managed to sleep. Xielei woke up but did not call Juan. She went
in search of a washroom in the crowded dormitory. In addition to functioning as
an information centre, the airlines had also arranged accommodation for the
relatives of the crash victims in the hotel. Unfortunately, Xielei and Juan
were not lucky enough to get a room by themselves. They had to share a bed in
the dormitory, along with other common resources.
Both of them did not complain,
because like all the others, there were far more important things in their mind
than a shared bed.
By the time Xielei was back, Juan
was also up and dressed. Breakfast was served in the huge banquet hall
downstairs, as would be the first update of the day.
Juan dreaded the update that
would come in today from the airlines, but she knew it was better to go
downstairs and face it, than sitting here and wandering in the ghostly thoughts
that inhabited her head.
In the banquet hall, people
thronged in small groups and everyone was talking, wondering perhaps, what the
next step could be if the centre closed down. The wall mounted TV was already
on, and the news was being read out in Chinese.
The video conference would begin
at exactly 9.30 AM, like it did everyday. The hall was buzzing loud now, but
when the call began, Juan knew the silence from people straining to hear every
word of the announcement would be equally deafening.
Juan took an empty seat next to a
woman with a baby. The baby was bawling loudly in the mother’s arms, but Juan
did not hear any of that. Her mind and matter focussed only on the lock charm –
almost as if she willed Shan to appear through it.
She was so deeply lost in
thoughts, that she only knew it when the baby had made a forceful lunge from
his mother’s arms into Juan’s lap.
Alarmed, but reacting
instinctively, Juan caught the baby before he could fall head over to the
floor. He was now partly held by his
mother and partly by Juan. The baby was no longer crying, but he was attracted
to the lock charm in Juan’s hands. He thrust his pudgy hands into her palms and
tried to take the charm.
The shock had subsided and Juan
was coming back to her senses. She realized what the baby was doing. She gently
closed her palm and tried to take away the charm from the baby. Immediately,
the baby started crying, “Baba… Baba…”
The mother managed to pull the
baby into her hands, and murmured pacifying words. The baby must have been
tired from all the crying, because he fell asleep soon.
Juan was watching the baby as the
mother rocked him to sleep. When she was sure the baby was asleep, she turned
to Juan.
“I am sorry. I was holding him tight till we saw the charm,” she
said to Juan.
For a moment, Juan did not
understand what she was talking about and then realized the mother was
referring to the lock charm she was still clenching in her hand.
“When I saw the charm, I thought of my boy’s Baba,” she continued. “He had an identical one. When our boy was
little, his Baba used to take him in his arms and the little one would play
with the charm.”
Juan nodded. They were complete
strangers, but she knew how this story ended. She also knew the pain that this
story contained. Juan could not bring herself to speak, and the mother
continued.
“His Baba used to say that the charm was for him, when he grew up. I
don’t know if my little boy understood all that, but now his Baba will never be
there for him,” the young woman sobbed as she finished her story.
Juan did not want to ask anymore,
already her grief overwhelmed her. Now, this stranger’s agony seemed to engulf
her.
The video conference seemed to be
taking time, and suddenly Juan decided she did not want to sit in the hall
anymore. She did not want to hear the update, and she also did not want to sit
in a hall of despair and sorrow.
She searched for Xielei in the
crowd and when she found her, informed that she was going outside for a
walk.
Juan did not return to the hall
after her walk, but went straight to the dormitory. She knew the video
conference would be over by now, and everyone would be discussing it in
detailed in the dorm.
Xielei, sitting on a corner of
their shared bed, looked up at Juan when she walked in. The outcome of the call
and ensuing distress was evident on her face. Juan could read her fear and
unhappiness without saying a word.
“They asked us to go back, didn’t they Ma?” Juan asked, sitting down
beside her mother.
“Do you want to?” Xielei asked.
“Let us go back, Ma. I don’t want to stay here anymore. We have to go
back someday, information or no information,” Juan said.
Xielei looked at her daughter’s
resolute face and wondered if she would ever be the same again.
“If Shan is alive, he would somehow find his way back to me. I am sure
of that. Let us go home now, Ma,” Juan said.
“Yes dear. As you say,” Xielei agreed.
Between them, they had nothing
much to pack. In an hour, they were ready to leave the hotel.
“Ma,” Juan called to Xielei, “I
need to find someone and then we can leave. Let us go to the banquet hall
before we check out.”
Xielei was surprised. She did not
understand this new Juan – a Juan who seemed determined and stronger than
before. She silently followed Juan into the banquet hall, where the crowd had
not yet dispersed, but were still lingering and carrying angry, disappointed
conversations.
Juan was searching for the mother
with the baby, and when she spotted walked forward to meet her. Xielei was
surprised because she had never seen Juan interacting with any of the other
relatives, and it was always Xielei who socialized in the hotel.
“We are leaving,” Juan was saying to the mother, “We did not want to stay back and hear one
bad news after the other. If it is alright with you, I want to gift your son
something.”
The young woman was as surprised
as Xielei was to hear Juan speaking. Her baby was still in her arms, but awake
and in a playful mood.
“Here,” Juan spoke in a soft voice to the baby. She was holding
something in her hands, and pushing it into the baby’s hands, “This is from your Baba. He gave it to you. ”
The baby looked at the lock charm
that Juan placed in his hands, and then at his mother. He crooned happily, “Baba… Baba…”
The mother looked at Juan with
tear filled eyes and murmured, “Thank
you.”
As Juan and Xielei turned to go
back, Xielei asked her, “Are you sure of
this? Shan loved it very much.”
“Yes, Ma,” replied Juan, her voice unwavering, “Someday, I believe Shan will come looking for me. Or maybe he won’t.
But if I chose to, I can always move on with life with another partner and make
even more memories. But for the little boy, he will always be deprived of his
father's presence and love. I want him to have it, so that he knows he is not
alone, and somewhere his father will always be looking out for him.”
Xielei nodded, understanding how
much her daughter had changed over the months and how much more she will, in
the years to come.
